Nex

As our society loses faith in each other, in humanity we continue our downward spiral. We lose compassion for one another. We lose love. We start becoming less and less likely to do the right thing. We focus on ourselves and leave all others in our wake. I've combated this for the longest time, thinking that if you do good for others, if you put yourself out there, if you try hard and put faith in everyone around you, that they will not disappoint you, that you will reap what you sew. That isn't always true. There are people out there who will take all the good you give them, use, abuse, and then throw you away.

We value things based on our perceptions of them. The two main things that drive whether or not we like or hate something has to do with if we think of pain, or pleasure for them. Just as a person who had a relative die from lung cancer, from smoking would associate cigarettes with that pain. I used to associate putting myself out there for people with a great deal of pleasure. I have been burned only a few times, and it was because even though I had assessed that this person or that wasn't the best of character that perhaps I could pass on a good thing. The pain of those few small burns never over took the pleasure of giving, but now it might have.

The reasons those burns never hurt, was because of the character in which I had seen or assumed was somewhat poor. I've never been burned, not in the long run, by people who I have observed as good, people that care, people who are smart. Now it's pain that I associate with putting my heart out on my sleeves. I've always said, 'what's the point of a heart, if it's not on your sleeves,' but I guess that point would mean it's unbroken, untarnished, safe.

Maybe I need to re-evaluate, not put as much faith into people as I think they deserve. Maybe it's all my fault that I didn't read the situation right, that I left myself so wide open to be nothing but hurt. Rejection has always been a part of my life, and though I've failed at many things, it's never stopped me from getting right back up, to trying a different approach to be successful, to overcome the odds and better myself. But as my best friend Eric would tell me, 'You're nothing like anybody else. You're better than everyone else.' That makes me feel good, but still deeply hurt.

I never knew what I was getting into, falling in love. I never knew there could be such joy, and I never knew that there could be such sorrow. It's been difficult, to say the least, to deal with my emotions after returning from combat. Sometimes I wish I had died there instead of Bauer. He was happy, had a wife, and a life. I think about how my family would feel, how you would feel. This world isn't fair. It's ugly and mean, and just when you think it will show you it's best, it disappoints you. No matter how you try and deal with these things yourself, or with help, it's been such a level of stress constantly experienced that most people it would take a lifetime to understand. They've actually done studies where the amount of stress felt over one deployment is comparable to the stress that most will feel in a lifetime.

So, I'm within that 1% of people who do this for a living, and even in a smaller percentage because I'm in the Infantry, the most blue collared job in the world. Eric was right, I am different. But, perhaps as strong as I am, as much faith as I put into others, and as much as I deal with my emotions and my thoughts on a daily basis, I can't help but think, that at this point: I have no one physically close to lean on. There's no one to wake up to, who not only I care for, but cares for me. Telephone and internet chats only go so far. I need you. I need you now. I need you to not be selfish. I need you to reciprocate. I need this, my mental life, my ideals, they all swing in the balance, and I don't want to lose them, don't want to lose you.


How can I just let you leave without a trace?