It's 6:33, and I'm too numb to cry. My soul yelps and screams, but only I hear it. I sip the cheap wine and listen to blues in the dark. I am not the lowest I have ever been, but close to it. An entirely new perspective on it though. The same depth, but a different place. I can't quite understand it, and I know that it will surely pass. Must surely pass. Pray to God it passes.
In this moment I feel way beyond empty. I can't drain the tears falling from these eyes, and I embrace as much of myself as I feel left. I never understood the power of love. It is as evil as it is good, and then probably slightly more evil. I don't have as many close friends close as I would like too, and I shudder as I lose confidence in others.
The problem with having friends in the military, is they all eventually move away. I don't think I would be quite as disrupted if I still had Scott and Tommy here. Or Mike. Or anyone else who I understand, and who understands me. I listen to sad songs because the happy ones only make me scoff. I can't feel them, don't seem to know that emotion today. I'm sure the alcohol won't help, but one glass should help to unnerve me.
A few months ago, I was on the verge of suicide. It's a place I never want to revisit. It's a formidable foe, that most people who say they've been there have never. In the Army we have mandatory suicide prevention classes, just like every office or regular job might, quarterly or annually and along with equal opportunity to boot. They tell you the signs to look for. These signs might be accurate for someone who is just doing it for attention. Some one who is serious, who is really that far down, they don't display any of those signs. In fact, they hide them. They push away everyone around them. I did. And no one knew, until much much later, after I had killed the beast.
I've never struggled so much controlling my emotions. I've always been good at being positive no matter the circumstances. I've always held such an edge on others in society. I've always done for others, and not for myself, so when my feelings become paramount, of course I'm going to struggle. I'm not use to dealing with myself. My feelings. It's difficult to combat yourself. I have to learn to let go of the things I cannot control, to include perhaps my feelings.
Going home was difficult. I realized that my family doesn't understand me. Most people don't though. I'm very complicated. I do more for others than for myself, and that's against the grain. I take your feelings further into consideration than I normally take my own. I've always thought that was because I was selfless, but as I sit here, trying to mull over everything that's happened, every which way I feel, I might only do for others because doing for myself is too hard. It's too much of a fight. Too scary. We all struggle within, but my struggles normally consist of what do I need to do to make others happy. What do I need to do to make myself better for the betterment of the people around me, for individuals in my life, for society.
Does that make me a coward? That I can't face myself. I think back to times in my life where I made decisions solely for myself, and how much I regretted them. How much thinking about those situations now make me physically ill till this day. They aren't many, but how deeply they have cut me, effected me. Of course I don't want to do things for myself, because although I might have felt joy, happiness for those mere moments, I put others off and in the way of my own good time. Selfishness isn't for me. It tears me apart at the very fibers of my soul. Maybe that's why when others don't show the same compassion for others, I feel extremely put off. That's why I feel put off when I'm at home. Everyone frets for themselves, all the time. There's no time for others. It's rush here and rush there. Fret for this fret for that. Our society isn't breaking down because people are bad, our society is breaking down because people don't take the time to care for one another. To use the proper etiquette, the proper manners towards each other. Yes, those take time, and we should have plenty of it. Everything is so convenient now. Drive through this and App for that. We should have all the time in the world.
I digress... this is supposed to be about me, but I don't want it to be. I want to shut you out and not let you in. It's embarrassing that I can't get a grasp on what plagues me, what haunts me. So, no one loves me, and today, today, neither do I.
'it will leave you feeling hollowed and helpless, and there is where you'll stay, ha ha, ain't it funny child love will leave you feeling as dead as yesterday... '
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