The Condition I Got From A Movie

I have been discriminated against long enough. It's not really any one's fault but perhaps my own, but regardless of that small fact, I think it's time that people are aware of a condition that effects more than just me. Some people will tell me that I do not have a personality, that I only have my quotes, from movies and tv shows. I learned recently that I am not the only one with this condition. I am not the only one that gets criticized and discriminated against. There are more like me out there, and it's time the world learns to make exceptions for us. Why not? everyone else gets a handout, time to take ours.

I'm your huckleberry.

My condition began at an early age. 6th grade was the year that Austin Powers had come out, it was hugely popular for at least my age group. I found my popularity there because I could do impressions (which had gone unnoticed) of Mike Myers. Quoting that movie then made sky rocket to the top of school popularity, not that it matters now, but it did then. I remember being summoned by all my peers, pressured to repeat line after line. Laughter, smiles and joy were prevalent in the circle of faces leaning in to hear every last word. The similarities to the middle school click and the click of faces leaning in to hear a Christopher Walken impression are almost a flashback of the nightmares of middle school peer pressure. But as long as everyone is laughing and having a good time, I suppose I'll continue. I can't stand people not being happy around me.

Do you want me to use the Spanish accent?

After middle school, after Austin Powers was long and gone, in the days of high school, my passion for remembering movie quotes kept on keeping on. The more obscure, the more powerful, the better. I would come into conversations with a one liner or a short monologue only to be stared at blankly, or if it were directly in the right context, I would be applauded, laughed with or looked at with some kind of fondness of a better understanding and perfect way to say what everyone was thinking. That didn't happen to often, only rarely. If it wasn't a very popular movie, did anyone get the reference and laugh along with me. Creating a secret club where only we really understood what was said.

Do I make you horny, randy, do I baby? Yeah!

After high school, I suppose things only got worse. I started watching more movies, and my 'new' group of friends were very similar. Randomly throwing out movie quotes and demanding to know where the quote came from. Some kind of weird, but fun game. You would try and find those obscure references. Movies like Snatch, Boogie Nights, The Big Lebowski and Tombstone were always favorites, with tons of powerfully obscure lines that we could throw out nearly anytime. My obsession grew, and with it my condition worsened. Movies like American Psycho consumed me with all of it's hilarity lines, and I think I lived for a pure month not even talking as anyone but Patrick Bateman.

Two minutes Turkish

My newest group of friends, my work mates in the Army, they just don't understand the disease, the comedic side of it all. They don't understand I have a condition. Have I ever told you about Sammy Jankis? My condition wasn't able to be cured as it had been started, by peer pressure. The constant comeback, 'Did you hear that in a movie,' 'What movie did that come from?' They were all slices that hurt deep, and yet I let them bleed, inflicting more pain on myself. My condition won't allow me to revert back to normal, un-plagiarists times. It appears my hypocrisy know no bounds. Hypocritical in the fact that I love originality, but use movie quotes as personal dialogue. Isn't it all about the context though? If I can't say it as good, but can reference that one line that fits perfectly, isn't that better for the conversation as a whole?

That rug really tied the room together

Well, in lieu of the shenanigans and lack of understanding of the people of the world, I continue to randomly quote movie lines. And with the addition of some knew people in my life, two others who suffer the same condition, I have new strength. The arrival of our new LT into the platoon, also brought a fellow sufferer of this condition. The couple extra years Lt. Dan has on me, showed the more advanced stages of this condition. The inability to only quote more popular movies, and less obscure quotes. As you do at my stage so that you can include everyone. He says things like, "note to self, sex with blowup dolls, not as good as advertised." I know what you're thinking, of course, that's a quote from Dirty Work, a B-movie from the 90's. Know one knows though! They haven't seen it, and if they did, they don't remember even the simplest of lines from it! I find myself the only one laughing with him, at his obscure quotes. Then again, maybe Lt. Dan wasn't quoting a movie. It's especially bad though, when he starts saying things from Monty Python's Flying Circus. I think it's possible we are the only two Americans to even know that show existed. Sometimes we get so criticized, it feels like we're facing the Spanish Inquisition.

I've never seen so many dead hookers in all my life!
Lord knows I have.

But guys like Me and the LT, my brother and my old Cali roommates, we are not the only affected by this condition. It's apparently doesn't only effect guys either. My friend, the enemy blogger, Kennan also randomly quotes movies! We are the minority in this world. Constantly discriminated against, misunderstood and usually alone. The boys of the platoon give me the most shit, but it's the spike that divides personal relationships even. Gina, my girlfriend, tells me that when she sees movies, she hears things I say all the time. I have a condition. Did I ever tell you about Sammy Jankis?

Do you like Huey Lewis and The News?

So what that we aren't original in everything we say? At least we aren't part timers, occasionally throwing out a funny quote here and there. We don't take credit for it or anything like that, we just suffer from the condition of random, obscure quoting of movie and television lines! It's time that you start being more tolerant of others problems, get off your high horses, and help find a cure for our condition! Until you can do that, go home and get your fuckin' shine box.

Remember Sammy Jankis?

NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our chief weapon is surprise...surprise and fear...fear and surprise.... Our two weapons are fear and surprise...and ruthless efficiency.... Our *three* weapons are fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency...and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope.... Our *four*...no... *Amongst* our weapons.... Amongst our weaponry...are such elements as fear, surprise.... I'll come in again....