Monday, May 27, 2013

Have Another Cigarette

When thought about, it's not complicated. But it plays on itself and makes it harder than I could've imagined. Like a drug, I'm addicted knowing full in well that it's not good for me. You, I continue to want to come back to. You didn't treat me right, but I suppose those feelings are mutual. I didn't hold up, but at this time, I'm just not me.

The shade of who I was lingers, and I'm a kid again. Discipline all lost, all gone. My perspective changes rapidly and I'm disappointed with myself. I fell into the trap that society so easily springs and I'm just another lost soul. The truth is, you can't do things for yourself. If you truly do, you're an asshole. You're living life by your stakes and claims and to others, it goes beyond rudeness.

You have to have a reason, a muse a purpose to change. Sometimes that's within yourself. Mine is on that level to a degree, but I've always and probably will always be inspired by others to be better. Not just those who I know and don't want to disappoint, but people who I don't know. People who I have never met. I believe in being good to others. Being righteous because of the idea of bettering the world. I have lost sight of that. Hope, flushed from beyond a last grasping reach. I'm stuck here now, unmotivated to be any different, any better than what I am now because it doesn't pay. It doesn't pay to be unselfish. It doesn't pay to try and be a good person. Is that something that I want to believe? Certainly not, but I can't even describe how upset I have always been when I've been the good guy, and it only got me last place.

I'm different now, I don't like myself. I'm everything I used to hate about guys. And yet, it's successful. It moves you ahead. Probably only in the short term, but the immediacy that we so crave and depend upon nowadays, there isn't much romance in playing the waiting game. Patience, the most important virtue can't be one because we refuse to believe in manifestation of such ideals. It's not now. It's not good. We're all beyond ourselves. The Facebook, the instagram, the text messaging. It's all so quick. It's all so on the spot. We stress ourselves out because we don't get a response. We create the worst worries in our heads and it leads to doubt and tribulation. We had it good and we gave it away for instant gratification. I'm as much bought into this new way of living as anyone. Perhaps more so than some and less than others, but no different. No better.

There was this idea of who I wanted to be. Who I worked at being. I wasn't rich. I was wealthy. A wealth of ideals and boldness. Of family and friends. Of romance and genuineness. In taking care of those in need and placing others before myself. I latched onto comedy, a laugh, a smile, my expense, your pleasure. I kept the inspirational self going to become a better person. A better me. But what ideas and why did I follow this path? I felt that one of the most important things to do was to be decent to others. Manners and heart felt gestures were what I wished all of us, myself firstly could live to be. That's a vision that's blurred and died off with the hope that fades on humanity and those who I have had faith in. This shouldn't deter me from being that person. That person who I truly am, but it certainly is a cruel and grueling test to face.

I was meant to do something great. I believe that whole heartedly. I have been given to many chances at life not to continue to impact those who I meet in some sort of profound way. I have done that in the short over years of leading young men and must not lose focus on the lack of gratification in the immediacy of what I do now. A sign, read years ago in one of the places where I learned the most read, "An obstacle is what you see when you take your eye of your goal." The obstacles that keep challenging me, must not be my focus. It is necessary to remain focused on my goals. And that's to be a better person, a better me.

...i sit at home and wonder why, oh i will never be free...

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