Missing, I Begin to Appear Missing

I can't say I know, or even pretend to. It's not there, but should be. The romanticism that I once found to be all it was about, is not romantic anymore. It's sad, it's rejection, it's a vampire in the mirror. My image is missing. It shouldn't be, but it's hide and seek with no winner. The hope is running and I'm walking behind it. Love isn't always fair and certainly isn't always there. You fake it till you make it, until making it is just faking it.

I'm out of control. I'm not myself lately, but I know who I want to be. I know who I was. I'm missing. In so many ways. I can't be this wait. Won't be this way. I say things that aren't who I am. Who I don't want to be. I deeper sleep into unconsciousness and can't wake. Excuse isn't excuse if there is a no to do. There's plenty to do. I scratch at the coffin top, an attempt to break free of the grave I've dug. It's budging, but just so much as to keep me interested. I'm torn apart, splitting myself in two.

I open up, and I need you. That's my selfish decree, lesser than yours and greater than yours. It isn't fair, and the maturity you'll learn in the next year will be as much as I learned in twenty minutes. Different extremes, but ideology that smells and feels the same. I clutch the slipping grasp of things to come. I use both hands but still struggle. The piano plays and my eyes shut. You're leaving. You're leaving me. I spin around expecting a look back. It's not there and never was. I chase you in my dreams and always have. You're everything I wanted you to be, just not yet.

Not everything that goes around comes around. I check my chest just in case. The vacuum of my heart sucks it all in. The bus stop, I wait for you to get off, to tell me differently. How could have things been so dumb. How could have it gotten so complicated. Not questions, but statements. Trivial is the pursuit of love by yourself because it's always two sided. You disguise it as you believe it needs to be, but your promises of compromise are just a degradation of oneself. Just letting go is the ability to face one less fear. You're on the downhill slide with the uphill speed. 

You keep things rolling, and rediscover who you discovered you were long ago. It's slow and fast and before you know it's there. It's here. Keep your eyes peeled, your mind will tell you when you're again reeled. Trust the danger and hold your breath. It isn't anymore, is never was, but someday, the same faith in God prevails as the same faith in you. It's fairytale, and your heart is stolen from the ominously strange affair of up and down. 

I hope, one day, I'm someone you'd met