I Don't Know What Time It Is

I wake up, nearly a million times in the night. The turmoil, the decisions having even their gross affect in my dreams. It's become routine. Regret on the cusp of opportunities wasted. Of time lost. The amount given up is beyond what I ever thought it could've been. I'm reminded by as little as a smell sometimes, and it makes the hurt that much more.

A constant is said to me, and I still don't believe it. "Do what makes you happy." I'm not even sure what that is. Because it's always said to me when I'm making the decision to do what makes me happy. If that involves someone else, so be it. "You deserve better," is a poor cop out. That's an ideology that I try not to harbor. You have to understand what you're blessed with, not what you think you could be blessed with.

I gave my life away. The hour glass of life is running low on sand. It's not something you can just flip over and do again. You have to fight through the sand to get what you want. If you're willing to fight for it, is to give your heart, your time away. That's precious. But can you mend the broken heart? Can you bandage the hurt and act like it was never there? You don't sleep because of it. Can you love because of it?

The convenient thing always gets you killed. Easy roads were meant to be traveled by the weak. I'm strong, taken on a lot in my life, but at some point you need a break. You need someone to be there. It won't be who you expect it will. The person you think will be there for you, they'll leave you in your time of need. They, who can give the advice they can so easily take themselves, will do what makes them happy. And when that's not you, it's devastating isn't it.

It's already been four months since I've been back home, and it still doesn't feel that way. It feels a lot of what the world I came from felt like. Temporary. At least in training or deployments. I had a home. I had friends. I even had family. I had happiness. Now I have question marks, and sleepless nights. Fairytales, they're not true. They must not be, because the biggest of believers in them, doesn't want to live it.

It's not the answers that I'm looking for, it's the questions.


...the leaves to rake up...