Till You All Just Disappear

My mouth tells lies most call truths. I hear truths that were told as lies. Denial kicks the bucket out from under you and before you know it you're swept up, caught up in the web of growing up. It's a slow process, from beginning to end. A lifetime for most is never enough to grasp or comprehend it all. Perhaps no one ever has.

It's the perspective that changes, and changing it is your best tool. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, as it's known is unbecoming of it's own name. It has nothing to do with disorder. It has to do with time. Realistically we place a name on it so that we can treat it as that simpleness can afford to be treated. It isn't drugs, it isn't therapy, it isn't a dog or some cheap filler that helps you through this. In all senses of it, it's explainable only as my best attempt to further understand myself as I can muster. Right now.

Time is the enemy here. There's plenty of time. Years go by through your life. You skin your knees playing bounce ball in fifth grade. You kiss your first girl when you switch from velcro to laces on your shoes. You learn how to masturbate. You get laid. You go to college. You buy a car. You love and lose. You experience life. It grows you. With combat, that luxury is taken away from you. Taken away at a young age. You condense twenty years of living into a year, a week, a day or even a moment.

I cry during the National Anthem. I cry thinking about friends. I dream about terrible things that are talked candidly about when watching a movie or playing a video game. I'm no longer fit for the world at my age. I'm closer to 60. That's the PTSD, it's time travel. It's experience that isn't handled in as few a years as I've lived. I lie the truths you think you should hear. I 'play' to my age. The fact of the matter is that there isn't a drive that should be there. I'm ready to cut the grass, twiddle my thumbs and sneak a drink of scotch when the old lady thinks I'm just organizing my garage again.

I have done a vast amount of little in my life...