Hit Me Like A Hammer, To My Head

I took my eye off of it for a split second, it was gone. The prize in the eye of the beholder had vanished. There in it's glory and beauty, and gone in it's brutality. I doubled over. Couldn't breathe. I staggered like a wounded animal, holding myself up on whatever was available. I frantically called for air that could not be found.

I don't want it to end. I don't want it to die. Not like this. Irrational thoughts invoked by alcoholic demons raced forth from the darkest wretches of my own soul. How long had it been since I hadn't had a drink. Since I had thought clearly. Identity questioned itself in the mirror. Who was I, and what was I becoming. A fragment, a sliver, a catastrophe. My perfection of thine self began it's slow crumbling as I watched it go. Wasting it, wasting it, wasting it. It's wasting me.

I crept behind the man slowly. He had no idea I was there. Knife drawn, sweat holding silent on my brow. My breath trembled, then steadied. I stabbed him in the back. He fell to the ground, motionless. I kicked him on his front. Staring at the man I had once been lying there. Staring at the man I was becoming standing there. Losing focus on the way. This vast knowledge of the world and the lack of years lived to understand it. It caught me up. Time, not my friend, neither yours.

It's the two constants; self-discipline and perspective. Mastery I had been working at in both, but never found them consistently. Do I have them now? Can I have them now? If I work hard enough, believe hard enough, it will all fall in place. It's saying no to the easy yes'. It's letting all that's dear to you go. Let it free. Release it to release yourself. It always works out in the end. It's always better that way. Trust the experience, trust the instinct. Cast emotions to the wind and look down from a new angle. Trust it. Swing it. Being strongest at the weakest time is the test right? There's only pass. Confidence through self-discipline leads to new perspective. It's so easy, so do it.


the hardest things I've done in my life have always proven to be well worth my struggle with them, in some fucked up way or another