How does one translate, articulate and divulge the transgressions of their life when it's encompassed things beyond their intellectual capacity? The levy is going to break. There are very few people who can understand me better than I know myself. Realization has unfortunately eliminated a once constant in that category. A failure to understand myself, or at least be able to organize the semblance of who I have become is of some concern as it subtlety drives a wedge in between myself and others.
I felt normal for the first time in a little over a month. After returning from Austria, I had gone into a bit of a tailspin. Nothing out of control, but the feelings that normal people have, I could not muster. Apathy my greatest tool in war has become a mindset that sometimes sneaks up and is hard to shake. In years past, perhaps I play that part that I'm expected to play, say the things I'm expected to say. No one knows the wiser narrative I live. I become part sociopath. It kicks, it shakes away, but never scheduled, never expected. It's there. Then it's gone.
The causes as best as I can tell are from some sort of change in my normal routines and behaviors. In this case, living conditions. There's very few that I would ever let in on this typically. But it's about time to air it out. Let everyone see my dirty laundry, my secret, my self-grievance. I've been going about it wrong. Typically this admission, which has only been made to that few that could, would or want to understand is received with respect, discretion and empathy. Recently, I let someone in. Cast my shadow aside. It didn't make me special. At least not to them. A your problem in a my problem kind of world that we all so sadly get caught up in. The singe of being burned when the soul is so open is a painful reminder of why wearing your heart on your sleeves is such an up and down love hate love affair. The honesty, we're not used to it. It scares us, scares me when I cut you in.
It's feelings of losing your sovereignty that might be the strongest. Or that surprise of a reaction you even somewhat halfway expected to get and actually got it. It's the hurt of pride being stripped. A bare all-tell all cornucopia of your inner most secrets, and you're killed for the scraps of your existence reached and taken by those less compassionate. A cat in a dog eat dog world. The idea you were special; once done over twice and you're not. To them, you're just another spoke in the wheel.
Will I be the man who lets himself be? Will I be who you want me to be? Will I be who I thought I was. I am who I am going to be.
... i have been guilty of kicking myself in the teeth...
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