The transition is tougher than I had expected. Firstly, you will never have the same respect for those who you served with as when you are no longer around them. They encompass the true meaning of friend. No matter how close a friend they were, they could drop whatever they were doing and help you out. There at very few friends like this here on this side that would do the same.
Waiting for the bottom to drop out is the feeling. It's confusing, because its happiness. I've promised myself twice to never let a woman or money get in the way of a decision, and yet here I am breaking my own rules. This happiness, something that's sort of new is jeapordized when this sort of decision is made. I keep my composure as best as I can, knowing full in well I am in the best driver seat of the best car I have ever driven. My life should be an easy cruise from here. No amount of stress that hasn't tested me already will ever test me again.
It's this new awkward happiness that has me scratching my head. What to do with it. Where to go with it. I'm in unfamiliar territory, and should be happy idly waiting by. Standing on the shores of truth, the vastness of answers lies in front of me. The willingness to tread water has been my only way about it, and I ponder of that's somehow forsaken me. Have I learned too much? Know too much about myself and the life I have lived to be normal?
For the first time in six years I don't have to report to anybody. I've achieved the freedom I fought for. There is no doubt in my mind that all will be for the best, but there is a cloudy road down the path of options that I must choose from. I have but one thing to learn, and that's how to be more selfish. This ideology is adopted by so many people, and though I detest it the same as most people detest those who care of vanity and their looks, I must understand that to find true personal happiness is to be truly selfish. Not because there isn't immense pleasure in helping others, and the satisfaction that comes along with of doing good beyond oneself. It's that when its your time, when your chips are down, the expectations you have of someone being like you will not be met but only rarely if ever. So become the center of the universe, care not about your actions and their affects on others. This discourse is one that is so common place, following it may in fact make me 'normal.'
My happiness lies within change. And I am a constant of that. To wonder how good men turn bad is a direct correlation to their willingness to give up in the face of adversity that is recklessly overwhelming. To think the system can be changed, is perhaps to claim insanity.
...stay calm and return fire...
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