The feeling in my stomach, makes me a little queezy. I've gotten off track, allowed my mind to start hoping again. It's returned emotions that I haven't felt in sometime, and for the first time in the age old cliche, I'm scared. It's not a feeling that I'm too familiar with, an otherwise oak I am floundering with this emotion I can't lasso.
There are many reasons that this could be brought about, I'm sure my upcoming deployment is one them. It's hard to be honest with myself, and with you. It's not easy to admit, in this word which has seen the fall of a man's stature abolished within the ethics and code. I strive to remain unyielding to this demise, and yet hear I sit afraid. A future, I had seen in the near horizon. A finish line beaming with opportunity and beginning. Perhaps while I was simply biding my time, so was I biding my emotions.
The feeling is a very uneasy one. Sickening really. It's immortality decreasing, becoming further from grasp as I grow and become more of an adult. It's truly understanding the weight in which I bring to the world, and how scary a concept it is that I do indeed have impact on a world I would otherwise consider to be without contact.
Harms way, is all perception. Placing myself in it, or an exponentially greater idea of it is simply creating a false reality of the sense of that phrase. I am in as much harms way now and resigned to my fate as much as any other time in my life. Life is a strange thing, no matter who we pray to or what we believe, we will never know what outcome will come of our choices and whether or not that if we were to take a different path if we wouldn't arrive at the same place we never intended to go, but instead destined to be. Of course we all point our finger of the road of life always ending with the dead end of death. But this is a narrowing point of view with all things considered.
My religious or spirtual beliefs are not coinciding or aligning with one specific stereotype or another, but I seem to have a keen sense that we are not alone. That the world isn't magnificent. That life, and death are not the end all be all. I suppose looking forward I have an infinite amount of possibilities. There are some great things that I can do in life and really my biggest fear is; will I be humble and content enough to stop when I reach my goals. So that I may live in happiness, not yearning not reaching for more and never feeling truly accomplished, even with all that I have. The perspective seems at least difficult to voice and certainly confuses me. My fear from death is what I will leave behind. What legacy? What of me will stick with others? Who will I leave behind that I will no longer be able to affect?
Those questions, so broad and not very direct. But they're so truthful in their essence of what we think about death. We spin our catch phrases and cliches and even almost believe them. You're in a better place, you're with God. We buy them like the Wal*Mart rollbacks we become infatuated with commercially. I can't say for sure what happens to us when we perish, but I am certain that it could happen at any time. So why this sudden trepidation? This sudden fear? This overwhelming, sickening feeling that has haunted me, made me older the last few weeks? My immortality, peeled like the skin of a snake and left. Gone, like dust in the wind. Life is suddenly real. Death, no longer a falacy.
Who's to say what we are to say, when we are to say it?
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