The sands of time quickly drain through the holes of life. The calendar dates literally crumble making me suddenly aware of a youth slowly fading. I'm sore mostly every day and the things I used to be able to do easily, devastate me. This life has been intense, and though I realize this, I can't complain.
My job has had me busy, and losing the time to think and to write has been painstaking in my ability to address what I consistently compartmentalize; the stresses of life and adulthood. I dreamt a marvelous past last night, and had wished that when I woke up it had been true. Summer, my favorite season until I spent a few in the North Carolina heat, was it's normal California bright. The way the sun playfully bounced off of every piece of beautiful leaf, flower and garden in the backyard of my Sylmar house brought me the loins of joy I once knew. I was in our pool, around my brother and sister, my cousins and the summers we used to waste away in laughter and smiles. The dream, that scrawny kid I was, the family close by and all the endless summers we spent; they're merely just a memory of the past.
I find it hard sometimes to think about those times, without responsibility, without worry. They seem distant and often foreign compared to what adulthood I have taken on. I constantly strive to get better, to work harder and be a better person. A better adult. I've realized that buying into whatever it is I'm doing or trying to do is the most important part of changing. I've changed plenty about myself that I thought would be tough. It's always tough at first, especially when you come to the realization that you are not exactly who you thought you were. Some people just accept the fact that that is who they are and that they cannot change that. Others, like myself, see those weaknesses, or dislikes about ourselves and we work hard to change them.
These changes don't come easy. Mostly I have found that I have been stuck in the pattern of doing things a certain way, and when 'set in those ways' it becomes difficult to break those patterns. But using that excuse is a contradiction of the very thing that I want to do; use excuses, reasons for why I couldn't change. It starts small. I tell myself that I want to change this, and the reasoning why. Most of the time it's through a new perspective that I've realized my short comings, whether that's my own perspective or someone else's. It's the ability to change perspective that helps you to realize what it is you want to change, and then it comes down to one thing, and really one thing only; self-discipline.
Self-discipline is a huge part of changing yourself. It's getting the mixed vegetables instead of fries. It's a commitment, and one that is so easy to justify breaking anytime it's convienient. If you had the self-discipline to do what was right everytime, eat healthier foods, spend your money on only what you need, exercise daily, you would live a great life. Unfortunately I fail myself almost daily in at least one area of my self discipline. I take the easy way out, and constantly reprimand myself later for doing so. But overtime, of wanting to do the same thing, buying into what I need to do, instead of what I want to do. Maybe why I scrutinize smokers who say they're quitting, but just weening off with the occassional here and there is because I recognize this fault within myself. That I simply can't be disciplined enough to not eat candy, to not drink beer, to not drink soda, to not eat fast food. I bow to the convience of life, walk the easier road, break my own rules.
I have to realize my life isn't running around in the backyard and playing hockey with my cousins. It's not about carelessness and doing whatever I want. Not without sacrifice, not without hard work and commitment. Putting in my time now, getting in good shape, eating right, learning new things daily, pushing myself to constantly be better. With all this understood, and all this being said there is still one big question mark in the many that float around my life. What direction do I want to go? What direction do I need to go?
May the fourth be with you...
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