A wise man once told me, you gotta do everything if it's for yourself. I placed that responsibility in the wrong hands apparently. They weren't my own, and I should've listened.
From where I sit and from what I ponder, I seem to lack control as the affinity of errors mount and pile against myself, my life. I'm not sure how things are going to play out. The ace up my sleeve might mean winning this pot, but has the likely hood of turning into a western shoot-out.
I have every rite in the matter to do what I must for someone I have neglected the past six years; myself. I could've done anything with my life in 2007. I had a job that paid well, a supporting family, a plush field of opportunity to pick from. Instead I decided to dedicate myself, for a small while, to the government. To protect freedoms, to fight for the country, to follow every cliche that I used to believe in back then. I could easily argue that these past six years are some of the best of my life to have given. The sacrifice, well worth it in most cases. The men you meet, the people you help, the boys you can help turn into men.
It's not what you think it would be, the military that is. Your illusions of what and why you're there change in an instant. It can't be explained, but your morals and ethics no matter how concrete, how narrowly or openly you think, transform here. They are shaped only because of the men on your left and your right. The regulations, the machine, too big and expansive that rules in this place can simply be tossed aside, covered by stipulation and exemption. It's a frustrating place, but you end up not doing this job for country, or liberty, or any of the other reasons that I once joined here for. You do it for your brothers.
The organization, I've learned, you never fight back. You do your part, pick your battles and find ways to protect your guys as you conciously see fit. The matter at hand though, threatens the rest of my life and how I will live it. Taking on the machine, it's kicking a hornets nest or getting people in hot water. Surely I will be stung or burned during this process, but the choices have become limited, so much so, they're down to one. Regulation is often thrown to and fro as seen fit by whoever it may or may not help. The rules are so many that they often times contradict themselves.
With the one choice, the one ace left up my sleeve, the hornets nest, I kick and kick and kick until it all comes falling down.
You'll be home shortly...
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