The first time you look at the clock in a day, usually you have one of two things happen. Either the day has gone incredibly slow or way too fast. Usually when you have nothing to do it's the latter. For me this past few weeks have gone precisely the way that time intended them to go. A second has not gone to waste, nor wished to be to waste. I've been busy no doubt, but not with a work load that I would consider overwhelming, or underwhelming. Perhaps I could consider it just, whelming.
A few weekends ago, Columbus day actually, one of my best and greatest friends came up to visit me from his humble abode in Jacksonville, Florida. We embarked on an adventure with a few other friends, which eventually turned into more, to a cabin, of another good friend of mines, in Amherst county Virginia. My best bud Jason, freshly out of the Army as of early this summer, looked like a man finally free. Beard and long hair, you could hardly recognize him physically as the man he was. Mental changes were far more noticeable, as for the first time in nearly the four years that I have known Jason, he seemed truly happy. He became even more ecstatic when he shot a ten-point buck while we were deer hunting, part of the reason that we went up to the cabin to begin with.
Jason and I, though our conversation are too short from the large length in times that we talk to each other, seemed to have absolutely zero lull, zero drop in our friendship. A strength of friendship I can only describe as one you have with a brother. Love is a powerful word for two straight men to use with one another, but after all we have been through, all we understand about each other and the sacrifices we have made for this country, even that word doesn't quite seem fitting enough for the devoted friendship that him an I will always have. Lifelong friendship isn't a myth like I once thought it was. It simply takes a different depth of shared experiences and understanding to reach a level of personal connection to actually have a lifelong friend.
I had dreams of being only 100 plus days away from being out of the Army, but for some reason I had a hung jury, a retrial and a new decision, a new verdict on the direction of my life. I place which has treated me so horrifically, I decide to commit more of my life, more of myself to. It's not for me, but it is at the same time, and the logic could only be described in enough words to make you just as confused as I am. I have to affect positive change on this place before I leave. And though that might happen with the one or two within the reach of my power now, it must happen at a higher levels, effect more people, a greater number. It's the road I would have never took as a younger myself, but a more mature one has a better idea of why I am here, that I'm an exception and not the rule, and my sacrifice might do great things not for myself, but for others.
I sit here and think of things left unsaid. Blogs yet to be written. Books, just a megabyte on a computer screen, yet to be read. There's so much to do in life, and so little time to do it. I haven't squandered as much as some, and have squandered just enough to realize my mistakes, my faults, and the will of what must be done. Life is perspective, life is choice, life is however we coat it to fit what we truly desire. We are a land of people full of creating their own excuses, their own perspectives, their own way of creating reason for what they're doing. Though mine seems less selfish, the understanding of the trend, of not only our society today, but out society of yesteryear seems to be perhaps the reason we live. But it takes true understanding, true knowledge of this truth to enjoy life as we know it. A depth that most people lack; not because they aren't capable, but because they're scared.
I've taken a deep breath, I'm not scared, just anxious. I hope this never ends. Living.
'you know i'll love you, i'll always be true...'
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