It's a normal fall day, at least for this part of the country. It's dreary, there's damp air that cuts through your light jacket, and there's that whispering autumn breeze that tickles every part of exposed neck with a curious feather touch. It's not what you think though. The trees stand tall, excited for the first water they've seen in months. No summer showers around here, and instead of the normal dead which the name fall implies, there is a strange green in what should be reds, yellow, browns and deads. This fall, not the same as those I've grown accustomed too, they speak California in their disregard for my fondness of the season.
It's been nearly a year since I've returned to this state. It's often confusing to me why exactly I am here. The weather, while magnificent, is often overshadowed by the rush rush and impoliteness of a too full street, market... civilization. A lot has happened over the course of this year. I miss plenty of my once was life, but don't wish to be back in it. This state changes you as much as any other state does. It's been a year of me, for the first time in a long time. I'm the main character again in this production of life. Strange, almost unwanted at times.
I hate disappointing people. This causes conflict with the above regalia since decisions that place one's own needs before others often are unwanted and disappointing. I started school. And baseball. And a relationship. All commitments that I feel the need, the urgency to fulfill. Where all of these are for my own gain, to some end, they are all contradictory in some respects. Baseball is a great deal of time out of my schedule. Five, even six, days a week and I'm often feeling too old to be back on that grind, but it's what I've wanted to do since forever ago. It interferes with these other two things. I could easily do more school work if I didn't have such a time commitment, and to my lovely girlfriend I often can't spend time that I otherwise could. This creates a dilemma in my life, but one I don't really need to solve. There is no solution, no path that I wish to take. I want to play baseball for many reasons, along with share my life with someone, and graduate from school.
The solution is impeccable time management. Juggling of life's responsibilities, this qaugmire continues to be the despair of us all. My expectations are like the fall at this point. I've grown accustomed to the way things were and the way they're supposed to be, forgetting that they aren't and I'm not. It's an important lesson to remember, and I'm glad that today, this brisk autumn sleeper decided to stumble out of bed and pour itself a large cup of java.
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