I didn't feel like myself today. That doesn't seem like a very fair statement lately, as I am not to sure who myself is. I was feeling more glum than my chipper self and couldn't seem to place my finger on a reason why. A lot has been on my mind, but nothing more than the normal plate full. This weekend I was made to feel like Richard Cory, and for reasons that don't seem all that obvious or foreboding.
I scratch my head and try and force myself out of the strange funk I've fallen into. Nothing seems to work and all day I can't wait to get home and do some laundry. I try to stay busy and not think about what's going on in my life, but dismissing my problems has been one of my problems; so I just don't think about it. I start to realize who I want to be, and am constantly disappointed with myself when I fail to muster the courage of self discipline. Life is short, but being happy now isn't always the best happy you could have in the future. The balance in it's perspective is one that my young stomach can't contain and like a ship on rough waters I find myself heaving the intricacies of life as I yet to understand it over the bow.
I choke at my youth as well as at the tip of the spear of responsibility that is thrust upon me in my current job. It's not a job that should be given to a man only a quarter of a century old. It's making me grow up fast. It's not that difficult of a job, but certainly one where more life experience and understanding of the way things go would add such intangibles into making everyday that much more successful. Is it fair? No. Should I bitch and moan? Sure, but to what avail? None. Sometimes you just have to do things that you are not qualified for, and you fake it until you make it.
Responsibility is, simply put, terrifying. The definition you find in a dictionary is one that could make you quiver. There has been a steady decline in the world, or perhaps a balance of responsibility that hasn't risen with the world's population. I'm sure there is a scientific word for that, but research yields no results.
The state or fact of being accountable or to blame for something.
Who wants to do that? The courage necessary to charge that duty is one that is seemingly dying. Especially in our youth. I promised myself no sidebars, but when you're not sure what you're writing about, everything seems to be one. I try and maintain self aware in my endeavors, but sometimes I become unaware of my own plight. As I've learned through leadership, you have to constantly be self critical in order to grow and develop. I strive daily to achieve heights and feats that I hadn't previously accomplished. It's through this constant seeking of improvement that I can't help but find one common theme in all of it. We can achieve whatever we put our minds to. We are truly limitless. It's not easy, and the worst friction point we face is not one of outside influence, but from within. Our own self discipline is a brutal divider of ourselves. Subsequently, it can also be a multiplier of our strengths. That takes mastery of ourselves. Not the easiest things to come by.
How do we increase the rate at which we learn about ourselves? Then, how do we discipline ourselves correctly to line us up for the capacity in which we want to be. We are who we are, but we could be who we want to be. It's a dangerous slope to climb up. Self-improvement, the unlocking of the unimaginable becoming something to be imagined. The unforeseen, now seen and conquerable. You start to push your boundaries further and further, wanting more and more. Greed is a dangerous card to be dealt, but is usually in the hand of success. It's one you have to learn to fold, or you will never be happy. Life is a balance. We have to recognize that the scales of victory through our sacrifice have to balance with the scales of happiness through our contentment. The toughest part about finding that balance, is that the teeter totters fulcrum is merely our perception of the reality of our perspective. That perspective we can change as we see fit to our needs. That allows us to cut corners and ultimately make excuses, make us complacent. Leave us no longer yearning for more, but sometimes, regrettably yearning for less.
The cake has grown mold, but the memories are sweet...
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