Everything seems to be going backwards. The lights even in the somewhat dimly lit MWR are making my head spin. Last night, after I got off force pro at the top of the witching hour, I found myself tired, but not ready to sleep. I laid down again in the dark of the room, and tried my hardest to get comfortable.
3.45
I imagined riding across a bridge into a castle, in my shining armor and sword oiled and ready for battle. I tried in my mind, to kill the creature, dragon of sleep. He was powerful, and continually beat me. Killing me in different ways each time I ran the dream back through my head. It felt like and eternity that I forced my eyes to keep closed. I was imagining I was somewhere else. A beach, a Vegas Hotel, a baseball game, and anything else that I thought would help me to relax. The green hue of light from the exit sign in our room is the only light that I can still feel on me. I've been trying hard to keep my eyes closed and not realize it. My mind is willing my eyes to stay shut, closed and primed for sleep to take me into a world of unconsciousness. I'm so tired. Finally my mind starts racing, telling me that I've already been asleep, maybe. The curiousness starts to stab it's knife into my gut of doubt, and as it twists and turns, I open my eyes. The light is still illuminating from the green sign at the door.
4.13
I realize again, for another night, close to a week now, that I am not going to sleep. Not right now, not in the next ten minutes, maybe not ever. I reach down and pull my laptop up and hope maybe the strain of the eyes will wear them out even more than they already are. I mess around on my computer for more time than I thought I would, and when I close it and put it back in it's place, I'm still wide awake.
5.34
As I try and get comfortable again, I'm suddenly cold and sweating. I toss around on top of my bed, and then finally decide to put at least my legs under the sheets. I twist and turn in the spiderwebs of my bed, and can never find a position that keeps me comfortable for more than a few minutes of time. I start to think of all the times, my entire life, that I've been able to find sleep easily. The flashes of memory run through my head until it starts to hurt from the thought. How long has it been? How long have I had my eyes closed is running rampid and unchecked through my thoughts again. I try to squelch it with a bucket of water onto the fire, but it's hotter now and climbing for the floors of my mind up the wall and reaching the ceiling. Again, I falter and give in, opening my eyes.
6.52
A long enough time has passed in between the time I closed my eyes, to now, that I think I might have gotten some sleep, and my pride increases slightly at the small victory. I still feel defeated. I don't decide to give myself any kind of break or rest from what feels like an over exerted effort to sleep, and so I counter attack quickly, and close my eyes again. The strategy seems to work, and the next time I open my eyes, I'm pleasantly surprised, but still in a state of confusion and depression.
10.26
I pass in and out of consciousness, turning over and over, always seeing that green light casting its judging eyes on me, mocking me at it's constancy and my inability to be strong in front of it. Time rolls off the clock, and I no longer care or have the energy to check my watch whenever my eyes open. I switch position again, and find my back has grown sore and stiff from the constant battle I've been fighting. Maybe it's the armor.
12.37
I finally lay there, so tired and worn out, that sleep doesn't seem like it should even be a battle or option for me, perhaps death is my only option now. My eyes stay cracked open, the green light still judging me, challenging. I lay there, and see people moving about within the dark room. Just figures getting dressed, and going about their normal routine. I don't move and hope that I will find that wonderful bliss of deep heavenly sleep. It never happens.
3.01
The lights come on the room, and it's time to get up and start working. I've been off of my shift for twelve hours, and would've had to take one over a minute ago, and confusingly I remember we're no longer on force pro. I push myself up to a sitting, and feel a wave of dizziness and fatigue set in all over my body. I can barely keep my eyes open, and continue to rub them forcing into submission of being awake. I try and stretch my back after that, but it's already a battle I've give up on.
I can't remember the last time I slept well, it was close to a week ago. Then again I'm not sure I even know when a week ago was.
my insomnia is so bad, I'm not sure I could even sleep at work
3.45
I imagined riding across a bridge into a castle, in my shining armor and sword oiled and ready for battle. I tried in my mind, to kill the creature, dragon of sleep. He was powerful, and continually beat me. Killing me in different ways each time I ran the dream back through my head. It felt like and eternity that I forced my eyes to keep closed. I was imagining I was somewhere else. A beach, a Vegas Hotel, a baseball game, and anything else that I thought would help me to relax. The green hue of light from the exit sign in our room is the only light that I can still feel on me. I've been trying hard to keep my eyes closed and not realize it. My mind is willing my eyes to stay shut, closed and primed for sleep to take me into a world of unconsciousness. I'm so tired. Finally my mind starts racing, telling me that I've already been asleep, maybe. The curiousness starts to stab it's knife into my gut of doubt, and as it twists and turns, I open my eyes. The light is still illuminating from the green sign at the door.
4.13
I realize again, for another night, close to a week now, that I am not going to sleep. Not right now, not in the next ten minutes, maybe not ever. I reach down and pull my laptop up and hope maybe the strain of the eyes will wear them out even more than they already are. I mess around on my computer for more time than I thought I would, and when I close it and put it back in it's place, I'm still wide awake.
5.34
As I try and get comfortable again, I'm suddenly cold and sweating. I toss around on top of my bed, and then finally decide to put at least my legs under the sheets. I twist and turn in the spiderwebs of my bed, and can never find a position that keeps me comfortable for more than a few minutes of time. I start to think of all the times, my entire life, that I've been able to find sleep easily. The flashes of memory run through my head until it starts to hurt from the thought. How long has it been? How long have I had my eyes closed is running rampid and unchecked through my thoughts again. I try to squelch it with a bucket of water onto the fire, but it's hotter now and climbing for the floors of my mind up the wall and reaching the ceiling. Again, I falter and give in, opening my eyes.
6.52
A long enough time has passed in between the time I closed my eyes, to now, that I think I might have gotten some sleep, and my pride increases slightly at the small victory. I still feel defeated. I don't decide to give myself any kind of break or rest from what feels like an over exerted effort to sleep, and so I counter attack quickly, and close my eyes again. The strategy seems to work, and the next time I open my eyes, I'm pleasantly surprised, but still in a state of confusion and depression.
10.26
I pass in and out of consciousness, turning over and over, always seeing that green light casting its judging eyes on me, mocking me at it's constancy and my inability to be strong in front of it. Time rolls off the clock, and I no longer care or have the energy to check my watch whenever my eyes open. I switch position again, and find my back has grown sore and stiff from the constant battle I've been fighting. Maybe it's the armor.
12.37
I finally lay there, so tired and worn out, that sleep doesn't seem like it should even be a battle or option for me, perhaps death is my only option now. My eyes stay cracked open, the green light still judging me, challenging. I lay there, and see people moving about within the dark room. Just figures getting dressed, and going about their normal routine. I don't move and hope that I will find that wonderful bliss of deep heavenly sleep. It never happens.
3.01
The lights come on the room, and it's time to get up and start working. I've been off of my shift for twelve hours, and would've had to take one over a minute ago, and confusingly I remember we're no longer on force pro. I push myself up to a sitting, and feel a wave of dizziness and fatigue set in all over my body. I can barely keep my eyes open, and continue to rub them forcing into submission of being awake. I try and stretch my back after that, but it's already a battle I've give up on.
I can't remember the last time I slept well, it was close to a week ago. Then again I'm not sure I even know when a week ago was.
my insomnia is so bad, I'm not sure I could even sleep at work
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