A Fool's Day

This morning started well enough with a wake up at 23o and a quick scramble to go recover a vehicle that crashed. We were immediately stood down only minutes after being awoken. We still had to get up an hour later so that we could perform our daily dosage of negligent guard.

This mornings negligence was about as fun as usual. I struggled to stay awake, and downed as many rip its as my body could handle. A Rip It is the Army's preferred energy drink, as it has roughly 8 times the amount of caffeine a Mountain Dew has in half the amount of liquid. It also takes years off ones life, and can be used as a paint thinner, along with a industrial grade degreaser.

The rest of the morning went well, as if some cruel April Fool's Day joke was being played, we only had one patrol. Got to the gym where I lobbied for a lifting club to be formed here on the FOB, but apparently no one wants to venture into the dangerous, blood thirsty sport of competitive bench pressing. After returning from the gym, I took a much needed nap, and woke up to find most of the day gone. The joke of the day was that the showers here are now shut down for the next three days. I guess it's not an Army April Fool's Day joke unless is cruel and somewhat sadistic. Really not making it a practical joke whatsoever.

These past few days I've been made the driver of our lead vehicle. Usually considered a 'bitch' position, it's really not that bad. The reasons I have been made the driver temporarily are because that driver went on leave, and because with only around 40 days before I'm on my way home, my replacement RTO needed some hands on while I could still be here to assist him.

Once again, Ryan The Nose Kellogg is upon his mission to rid the world, or at least our room of mosquitoes. This process is very entertaining, and hilarious. It starts with Ryan behind his computer, listening to music and updating his myspace. Then it turns into him spotting the insect that lurks in our room. He will spring forward from his relaxed state and assume the ready to pounce posture. A hundred different complaints flow from his mouth and all seem to have nothing to do with the mosquito itself. "It's all these guys coming in and out of our room. The latch onto their backs and come in here!" As if the mosquitoes are some kind of insect that is waging war against him, and having to make very strategic moves to sneak into our room, which just so happens to have about one hundred different holes in it that the mosquito could fit through even if he we were to be carrying an 8 foot long 2X4 on his back.

So The Nose continues to stand ready and fast, in his pounce position. Head phones out of the ears and laying next to him on the bed. His eyes scan constantly. "Turn off the light!" As if it's some counter measure and tactic that will draw the mosquito to the light on the computer screen still open and sitting on his bed. He breaths deep and angrily as he sits back down and pulls his computer back to his lap. The scowl on his face could make small children cry. One mosquito does all this, every night.

Now his hands rub fast across his head as he tries to figure out a quicker way to draw the mosquito into its demise. He won't be able to sleep if he knows that the mosquito still lives in his kingdom, his room, his sanctuary. CLAP! Ryan almost got him, he peers at his hands looking for the remains of a now worthy enemy. No dice. He now searches more gravely through the air and the immediate surroundings for this now battle tested opponent. I turn the lights back on and a few minutes later pretend to see the mosquito above his head. The neck turn Ryan gives is similar to the speed of a Chuck Norris round house kick.

I turn the light back off and lay down to bed. No sleep for Ryan tonight. I already killed the mosquito and just haven't told him. Happy April Fools Day Ryan.

"I like my women like I like my coffee, hot and black." -Danny Gibbens